Murphy's Law is sometimes expressed as "Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment."
MONDAY, AUGUST 22, 2016
That crazy dream about driving a bus on a bridge towards a city must have been a premonition. After what seemed like the longest 5 days of not speaking with my boyfriend, I was at my wits end and knew that I needed to do something; this wasn’t like me, this wasn’t like him. I spoke with my “work BFF” about it. I hadn’t spoken to anyone in detail yet about how I was feeling and I knew he was safe to talk to. His outlook is always positive and spiritual and it was also nice to have the added advantage of a male perspective. After a heartfelt conversation, I decided to take his advice and be the one that reached out after having this misunderstanding. Honestly, I don’t know why I took this long to do it, I really don’t. I realized that my concern about my grandmother might have influenced my other emotions. Not speaking or communicating with him is something I have never wanted to do or ever did over these last few years. No matter what city or country he was in, we never went one day without any form of communication. I decided to reach out and asked if we could talk and we agreed that we would later that night. We were off center from the misunderstanding last week and we were both stressed about external factors in our lives, but I knew it could be mended. I thought that our relationship was strong enough and worth moving past this. Having a long distance relationship has its obvious downside, but I thought ours was successful and would only be a temporary arrangement. All the same, our communication has to be the thing that binds it, and when we don’t have that, it is problematic.
It was nice to hear his voice on the other end after all this time. I knew he had some things to say, we both did. He informed me that he had felt that things have been off for us recently and I agreed. This summer had been the busiest for us both, him out of town for most of it, as well as my own traveling, and now the decline of my grandmother’s health. I was looking to resolve this shift with a trip for the two of us that would reconnect us and allow us to have the time to enjoy ourselves, and in general, decompress from the world that had beaten us up. He on the other hand tells me that he had become restless and unsure about us and did not want to be in a relationship anymore. I AM DEVASTATED. I have absolutely no idea how I am writing this now or thinking about it. This has put a hole in my heart bigger than is possibly allowed. I was completely blindsided by this, more than anything before in my life, and realize now that I must be in shock. We spoke some time on the phone. We cried some time on the phone. I stopped breathing. I wasn’t sure if I would start again. We got off the phone and I did my best to contain the monsoon of grief and confusion that was raging inside. It was as if I had been shot in the face by someone who up until that very moment I never once questioned their love or desire to be with me, that love was never anything I was concerned about. All I ever did was try to make sure that this love was coveted and appreciated because he always went out of his way to keep us connected. I don’t understand. I thought this relationship was “it.” I never said a word to my parents. My father was on the other side of the door watching baseball and my mother was in her bedroom.
Somehow I managed to slip out of my room and get a full glass of wine to chase the Zquil that I had previously purchased to help with my current sleepless nights, unnoticed. I prayed to God that the consumption of wine and two doses of Zquil would put me to sleep for days, or at least for the night. I couldn’t help but begin to text him again and another call was made because I needed to hear him say distinctly, word for word, that he did not want to be in a relationship with me. I literally did not believe it. There was not one indication that he felt this way. I didn’t know what to do. The rest is a fog. I tried to get swept away in sleep because the crying was draining me. Please just let me sleep. I woke up around 1:30 am wanting this to all be a dream. From that hour on the hour, I was awake.