After/Shock

December 8, 2016

 Letter from me to the Grahams, letter courtesy of the Grahams

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST, 28, 2016

Today was still a haze of sorts. There was not much going on except the typical summer hang at the house. We got in the pool, hung out, washed up, watched TV, and played Wii; who knows. I think there were definitely calls made back home to our parents and some texts here and there to friends. I was debating on when I should go home. I wanted to come back today but my mother and family thought there was no point in coming home; there was nothing that can be done or that I needed to do, so they urged me to stay. For the time I listened, at least I wasn’t going to fight it. I was in no state to make that drive home even though I thought I could at least be of some help.

 

The only thing that we were truly doing was waiting for the dribbles of initial information about the service. Apparently my grandmother already had her arrangements in order and the funeral home that was being used was owned by a good friend of my aunt’s and was within a mile of the house. In hindsight, whatever small things I could have done had I been home were probably best left for my mother to keep her busy. Surprisingly, I received a text message from my ex after not talking since our breakup earlier in the week. I hadn’t reached out to tell him about my grandmother. To me, there was no need in telling him unless I heard from him, not to mention that I was in a complete world of shock and hadn’t been doing much of any communicating with anyone. When I responded, I took that moment to tell him about her passing, and he was upset with me for not letting him know when it happened. I thought it would be easy for him to understand why, considering the circumstances. In the end he asked me to keep him updated on the service details because he wanted to come, if that was what I wanted. Even though I was surprised, I appreciated the thought. I know that he wanted to be there for me because he cared about me and had spent a significant amount of time with my family.  I also know he wanted to be there because I had been there for him when his father passed away.  No matter how well-intentioned the offer, I immediately knew I was going to have to decline. There was no way I would be able to emotionally contain my grief for the loss of both my grandmother and him at the service and it would have been confusing seeing him. I hope one day he will understand.

 

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Copyright © 2014 Carla Joelle Brown All Rights Reserved.

Sponsorship provided by:

The Rubys Artist Project Grants were conceived and initiated with start-up funding from the Robert W. Deutsch Foundation and are a program of the Greater Baltimore Cultural Alliance.

 

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