Things may have seemed a little better today. I came in to work because I had things to do before I went away for the week to Cape Cod. I was greeted by my friend while I was checking my emails and he gave me a hug. He already knew what happened. The crying started again because I could feel the concern in the hug but I had to get myself together. Fortunately there was plenty for me to do today and I was able to forge ahead and be productive. I still hadn’t told my best friend because I wasn’t ready. That was helpful to keep things at bay. Typically we email every day at work and she was off on Wednesdays. I didn’t want to call or text her yet either. It would have felt like ripping the bandage off again.
I got all the way through the day and back home. Exercising to the point of exhaustion is my new idea. It will give me something else to concentrate on as well as tire me out. I had also started writing some more today and didn’t want to stop the momentum. Kindly, my father invited me to go to a baseball game with him but I declined. I had high hopes of writing more in the evening. The running helped and it made me hungry. I ate some food and was happy to have an appetite. I lollygagged for some time after until I showered. I was beginning to feel anxious in my bedroom and headed upstairs. My mother needed a break of her own and was outside with the citronella candle lit and music playing, with a glass of wine. I decided to join her for the fresh air by the stars and brought out my glass of Makers Mark. If anything I could appreciate the stars. They are always there for you, they never falter. Eventually we called it a night and went our separate ways. Before I went to bed, I made sure to put a post it note up for my father to see, thanking him. On the table when I got home was a page full of quotes he printed out for me that was a reminder that my life will go and never take any value away from who I am.
As I laid down all I could think about was everything, my grandmother and my luv. Inside, the welling emerged and I couldn’t stop. Their faces appear whenever it gets silent. I just want to go to sleep.